im a terrible person.

I'm going to visit Andrew on Long Island! I leave tomorrow but I have to be back on Friday by 3 for Colleen and Cassidy's graduation. blows. But it's better than nothing considering that soon I'll be working two jobs.


YAY!!

so andrew came down on friday...i guess that was the 30. and stayed til tuesday lol. he had to come to work with me on saturday loll and it was so shitty and he had to stay and sit in the rain i felt so bad. but we ended up going to jimmys. which turned out was A LOT of fun lol. i always forget how funny those guys are. then sunday we went to great adventure, went on three rides, and the he got heat exhaustion. it was interesting to say the least. and then the kicker of the day was that i turned the wrong way, got extremely lost and a 40 minute ride turned into a 2 hour one. needless to say i was beyond pissed and frustrated. but we got ice cream and then we ate it on the beach! it was so fricking nice out. ok then monday we went to the beach for 5 hours loll. and basically just sat there and talked and read and u know...beach stuff lol. and then sadly on tuesday he left :(

i miss him...

i wish i had work full-time already because im bored out of my mind. and look what come out of me being bored. me updating this thing with stupid information that no one needs to know.

so yea. went to the band concert. 1. not as bad as i thought, 2. seeing people was weird, and 3. AWKWARD.

i thought people would grow up and put things aside....but that obviously did not happen. don't worry though, i'm a hypocrite so i can say this. lol.

interesting.

wow. i forgot i even had this thing. looking back, i kinda wish i hadnt lol. but oh well shit happens right? this entry is probably going to throw the dynamic of everything b/c i never update. its been almost a year i think that i have updated this thing so a recap of the year. yea woo hoo freshman year is over!!

this is not necessary to read. its just good to write things down, you know feelings, emotions, etc. but all of you that are actually curious, this is just a quick summary of things.

ok so first semester:
things were going great. swimming was good. had a new boy ;) hahah. anyways, then november rolled around. i started doing shitty at swimming. and then..oh heres a great story. i was doing pull-ups and i dropped down and rolled my ankle. that is correct i SPRAINED MY ANKLE doing PULL-UPS. i am officially an idiot. so that put me out all of november. then i got a sinus infection, so i was put on medicine. really sick, cant eat anything b/c it hurt my throat, needless to say thanksgiving dinner was painful :(. ok so then i get back to school and they say i need to have a mono test. i think whatever i dont have it i feel fine. i have ECAC's my first championship swim meet. i get the results back of the mono test....POSITIVE. needless to say the bus for the meet left at 10:30, at 10:20 i get the call im not allowed to go. WTF i was so pissed. but i had a good weekend with the non-swimmers. just a disappointing start to the season. over winter break i had to start swimming again, my ankle still hadnt healed, and i technically wasnt allowed to start swimming but i had to get back into shape. i was off swimming for a month!!!! more than that actually, my last meet before winter break was OCT 27(!)..i know. so anyway..i was home for winter break for, count them, SEVEN days. and then i was back at school. well not technically, i went to Florida with the team for our training trip. not going to lie those two words still make me cringe. it was awful to say the least. i mean i got to hang out with andrew a lot but umm....swimming actually kicked my ass. i had to get back in shape for our big meet in february. thats right i had to pick it up right from the beginning to get back in amazing shape for two months away.
oh and my grades SUCKED! i started skipping a lot of classes in november and december. for the most part i was sooooo tired. and even though i had convinced myself i didnt have mono...i obviously did. so needless to say...i had a 2.9 yea. it was bad. i couldnt even make a three oh.
Intro to Linguistics=B-, Freshman Comp 2=B-, Intro to Music=A(all my years in band paid off lol), Women Images and Realities=B+, and Medieval Europe=C.....pretty much it was really bad. my parents were PISSED.

ok so second semester:
swimming is going ok. and i know that i talk about swimming a lot but i want you to understand, that was my life. all i did was eat, sleep, go to class, and swim practice. ok so everything is going well. andrew and i are STILL together. i know...im not one for short relationships, but this was actually going well. AND my parents liked him hahahaha. ok so. classes are going well, im actually going. and finally SUNYACs arrive. thats our reallllllly big conference meet. IT WAS SO MUCH FUN. and swimming fast was a good part of it too. ok so. i swam the 200 free, 500 free and 200 back. 200 free=3rd place, 500 free=2nd place, and 200 back=8th place. so yea i had all top 8 finishes. it was pretty awesome and not only did i swim pretty well, but my team did too. we got 2nd place in the conference...and we dont have diving. which is a pretty big accomplishment. it was so cool. and it was awesome because our coach had dropped the bomb on us in the beginning of the year that he was resigning. so it was a good finish for him. oh and not only did we get 2nd but we had all 5 relays qualify for nationals. thats right alllll five. i mean i was only on 2..but cmon how sick is that? unfortuately we only had B cuts in 4 of the relays and we didnt get to go but it was still good training for an extra 3 weeks lol. and then i was done with swimming.
no worries i kept doing stuff. i was running every day. and lifting. and then spring break came around. lol. needless to say, i stopped being athletic. i hadnt started gaining weight yet so i figured i wouldnt. so after a week or two of laziness i started running again. i was running 3 miles a day. and thennnnnn finals week rolled around. and im proud to say it i was only irresponsible one day. i went to 50 cent beers on thursday...and then went to my precalculus exam the next day. oh and that night i drank 14 beers. mmhmm. my head hurt when dealing with my exam. hahaha. and then i didnt drink after that. all i did was study and write essays. oh and hang out with andrew :). yea we were still together...trying not to think about the 2 1/2 hours that would separate us once summer came. and then....it was time to go home.
sad to say good-bye to people, but very nice to come home. although i have nothing to do all day, i love it lol. stress-free.
Oh!! and i declared a major. Elementary Education with a concentration in Spanish. yeah, Spanish.
and then i got my grades i was hoping for a 3.5 this semester. u know to be better than i was last time around. SO here they were. U.S. History to 1865=A-, Precalculus=A, Physical Geography=A, Intermediate Spanish 1=A, and Religions of the World=B+....thats right i ended up with a 3.8!!!! so i ended up with a 3.35 as my Cumulative GPA. i was so happy. woo hoo!!
i got everything together finally.

and yes me and andrew decided to do the long distance thing. and so far its good. we talk everyday a little bit. and hes coming to visit May 31!!! i cant wait. only 8 days more to wait. and hes staying here until June 2. im so happy. i think it might actually last. its gotten to the cursed 8 month mark. so if it lasts another month..it will be a good sign.

ok thats it from now. ill keep updating this i think from now on. oh and im not hoping for an audience, just a place to write things down.

MOVIE NIGHT...so it was amazing. i forgot what amazing friends i had. cant wait to do something like that again. im so tired now lol. but it was completely worth it. thanks guys for having it, im so glad that im no longer in trouble. lets do it again sometime soon...PLEASE?!!!?!?? lol


i hope things keep going the way they are now. that would make me happy. :)

I'M HOME!!!!!

no worries everyone im back life can now continue lol.

band trip in 4 days. im super excited.


oh yea....im super tan! lol




see you on monday

i got into new paltz today.

now i really dont know what to do.

lol.

it just kinda feels good to know i have options.

oh and i forgot to mention.

i cut 13 inches of my hair off to donate to locks of love.

hahahahahahha.

i got into towson.

i cant believe it.

this means good things.

it was nice to talk. im thinking i need more girl talk lol. even though i have someone that i talk to a lot it's always nice to get another opinion, or even have another listening ear. and i like talking to them b/c they are my friends........oh wait,,,,do i have any other friends???? lol. anyway super excited im supposed to do good at the meet this weekend, but whenever anyone says that i suck ass...so i guess ill just have to wait and see. i get to leave school early which means NO BAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!! woooooo hoooooo. so super excited.
so i really have been thinking about the prom thing.....and i dont know if i am gonna go. one-i dont have a date. two-i dont think id be a good date. lol. three-too much work four-i dont want to have to search for a date five-this date thing really bothers me six-i dont really want to go....but i think i dont want to go b/c im being overdramatic. but just saying. i dont have friends either thats another thing to tack on. im not friends with any one specific group so i dont really know what i would do anyway. oh well... im cutting my hair next weekend its gonna be really short. im kinda scared. but i dont care i need to do it. i hope it looks ok lol. if it doesnt....im kinda screwed but im sure ill make it. and thats my random entry for today.

-Later

so i went up to new paltz this weekend. omg. all right so first the girls on the team gave the recruits and our parents a tour of the campus and the parents got to ask all the super annoying questions that they wanted to lol. the girls were quiet and shit and shy and no lie...swear...i was too. omg. i like didnt even talk barely lol. anyway, then the parents left and like i was going to the dorms with the two girls i was gonna spend the night with and the first thing they say out of earshot with parents is...do u guys drink? and im like yea when the time presents itself, and theyre like good. lol. ok so then we went to the dorms watched a movie, met a couple more of the girls. around like 9:15ish we went to the girls apartment that live off campus and we started drinking and we were playing games and shit it was fun. all the recruits started getting a little tipsy and we were like actually talking and being friend like. theyre all reallly super nice btw. lol. ummm...so then we went to the guys house. O M G so oooooo much fun. there was a keg and beer pong which i officially suck at lol. and then one of the kids there i used to swim with and he made me funnel. lol and i actually did it. oh before we went to the guys house we had gone to the bar to get stamped so we could get in later. yes i used a fake id. lol. and then at the guys house there was a band it was so loud and super crowded and lots of fun. not giving too much detail lol. just the general picture. so then we left lol. dont really remember much after that. i remember going to the bar and meeting some people there. i remember stuff other people did...but i dont really remember what i did. oh well it was marvelous. i was dancing and going crazy. and me and the other recruits had an awesome time. so the i woke up this morning like shit where the hell am i? but no worries lol i was in an off-campus house of one of the girls on the swim team. she left me a note on the tv explaining what happened. apparently i barfed when we were leaving...dont really remember it at all. anyway i had an AWESOME SATURDAY NIGHT. and thats it just wanted to put it down so i remember it all. k.


LATER

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
????????????????????????????????????????????????






pretty much sums up how im feeling right now.

thanks everyone for listening to me these past weeks. i know i havent exactly been the most uplifting person. trying though, lol. its funny how coincedences happen. what am i talking about? reading the fourth sisterhood book of course. so many of the things in there directly related to shit happening in not only my life, but others as well. except....they all had happy endings, well- except Lena. but i dont know if my life is gonna be a happy ending. im so confused right now. i keep giving the worst excuse for everything. to everything my answer is i dont know. its not that im extremely indecisive (not denying that i am indecisive) but im normally not like this. everything is usually pretty black and white for me and unfortunately im now entering into the gray world. damn gray. why do the two colors have to mix? lol. but i dunno (again) i have no clue what to do about anything. im honestly and completely confused. i have so much to think about and yet i have answers to nothing. ive been thinking about things so much that i just dont want to think about it anymore. and i just want everything to be back how it was my freshman year-easy. but unfortunately the time of complete innocence and naivete has passed. there is no longer the clear way to anything-theres now an eight road intersection. lol. i just have no idea. and it doesnt help that my parents dont really understand my life and the way i live it. oh well shit happens, ill be gone in seven months anyway. i also am sorry for the fact that im coming across as a complete bitch. im not intentionally meaning to be mean. it just happens. i have a tough face, what can i say. i dont let things touch me in the ways others do, or not that i show anyway. because underneath it all i do have a heart-i swear. i just dont like others to see it, there are those select few who have seen it. and i do have some patience--some. but its hard for me. i dont know why. since freshman year i have hardened myself to the things around me. its hard to get me to show how i really feel about things. normally i just act impassive so as to not bother anyone else with how im feeling-i mean everyone knows how im feeling-however i mean how i sincerely feel. very few people ever know that. but uhhhh thats all i have to say.

-later

it is me. i have decided that at the bottom of everything bad that happens to me i am the problem. no one can pull me out of my messes it is only myself that can solve anything. duh, sounds easy right? so why cant i seem to grasp the concept. for my own inabilities i try to lay the blame on other people, yet the whole charisma thing just comes right back at me. maybe im the one thats too immature. ive been too focused on me rather than the people around me and what they want. and yet i feel as though ive been ignored also. i dunno. its tough. im stuck turning in circles and no ladder to climb. i dont know how i would get through this if it werent for my friends. even though some think im making the wrong decision im glad that they still stick by me. i dont think im ready for what i was getting into. i bounce around from thing to thing unsure where to stick myself. and maybe thats what the problem is. or maybe im just making excuses for the things that i have trouble explaining. the complexity of emotions really is astounding as it is hard to describe exactly what you are feeling. oh and by the way, im not trying to be mean or look like a tough bitch. thats just how i am. when i get into difficult situations that i try to escape i hide behind my sarcasm. its not a front, its just how i am. sorry i try to have patience but after awhile i lose it and begin to say things that i may not mean. well i mean it, but ive just never said it aloud before. i feel horrible i just will not and cannot show exactly how im feeling. for those close to me theyve seen what im going through. but all those people on the outside i just seem like an unfeeling bitch. i swear i have feelings too. and it bothers me to see that people think i dont care. but if thats what you think about me then go ahead i can Deal with it. i am stronger than you think. and there are those people that understand what im feeling. and maybe im selfish and concentrate too much on my problems and not enough on others. but i dont know whats happening right now is kinda big. i hope that this is not taken the wrong way becasue this isnt really directed towards those people who will read this, its just kinda a generalization about the way i feel. a true journal entry.

ok im done talking about nothing. cant wait to start focusing on other things again-lol.

-Later

so...my life is a mess right now...whoopee. i have no idea what to do.
with my keys and phone gone its allright im not really missing the whole driving thing back..i dont think. i dunno it doesnt really bother me at all-now i have one less thing to pay for.
but with everything else i mean i dunno. i dunno what i should do. i miss it but on the other hand i kinda dont. its good ive had these three days to think about things. but i still dont know what to do. its hard. i dont need a boyfriend right now and thats what i keep thinking about. especially one thats unwilling to understand that the things i do in my life are the way its been and the way its gonna be. i dont need this petty shit to keep knocking me down. i have waaaaaay too much to do. i still have to apply to college. and yea i have two coaches that are super interested but i dunno where im gonna go--it all comes down to where i can get more money. but i dunno what to do. i know repetitive right? but its the truth-i can stand on my own two feet quite well and i know i dont need anything to fall back on. but i kinda like him-a lot. but i mean then theres the question of the summer, what am i gonna do then--how about two months after that when i leave for college--what do i do then? i mean im 18 i still have my entire life to live--but will i make the right choices. and considering that lately ive been doing pretty shitty on the whole choice thing..does that mean im just gonna make a shithole of my life. im indecisive and i dont know what to do about anything. im scared of choices--and when i do end up making them...i make the wrong ones. HARUMPH!!!!

on a good note i got two silver medals yesterday. i barely got out-touched by madeline in the 200 freestyle and i did a 1:58.32 which is my best time by a second and a half which is so SUPER COOOL. and in the 100 free i went a 55.57 which is another awesome time. it was a reallllly good meet. oh and our 400 free relay won which is cool and i anchored a 54.98 on it which really got me super excited. could it be that im finally able to go as fast as i should be with all the practicing i do? ugh i hope so. its taken like 3 yrs. but now im actually getting payment for all the hours i put in. i was so excited yesterday lol. its good to finally be doing good at something.

oh and i talked to someone that i havent talked to in awhile..it was nice. although we got our different groups its nice to know that ive still got an awesome friend. i hope we talk again soon, cause i missed it. Thanks for the ride! lol

later-

don't worry audrey you can't be even close to the kind of trouble i'm in. let's put it this way, im barely living in my house right now. so if u dont hear from me anyone its not cause ur suddenly on my hate list its cause im completely banned from everything. so see you on tuesday.

so why is it every time i make plans i have to break them....grrrr
my parents are so dumb sometimes i wish i could just stalk out of the house..however that is not possible for some reason. i have no problem standing up for myself with friends but yet when it comes to parents i become a wet noodle (excuse the corny phrase). there is like no possible way for me to stand up for myself because that is looked upon as rude and ill end up with no phone, car and computer. which totally and completely sucks. and to top it all off i've sent in ZERO college applications. which means i'll be completely stressing for like antoher two months. GRRRR....whatever i guess i just have a lot of shit to deal with like everyone else..except i HIGHLY doubt that anyone else's parents are as naziish as mine.

thinking, thinking, thinking....

so ive had some pretty serious heart-to-hearts lately...im really glad im able to get this stuff out. and the stuff i find out im really glad i know NOW...i kinda wish i knew some of it sooner-things would have turned out much differently. but its all for the good, ive faced up to some things. and some things i found i have really strong feelings about. my life has changed so much in the past five months and im Really glad it did, casue now i know stuff that really make me feel horrible but now that i see that things are turning out all right-i kinda realize i have to get over it. these things will blow over, but ill always have someone to confide in. not only my "chicas" lol...but someone else too. and as much as i hate to admit it...i like it a lot and i dont care if it makes anyone else feel like shit. i havent felt this way in a long time and i really like it. as a best friend i have everything to tell him and its nice-you know, to tell everyone that youre thinking--even when its retarded. and i know my friends dont care how retarded i am, but its nice to tell him things too. and i know that he'll be completely honest and tell me what he thinks but i love that. im feeling very contemplative and im starting to realize that ive had a lot of shit to say and no one to say it to, but now im able to say a lot of stuff..especially stuff that used to make me fell uncomfortable. i dunno i guess im kinda growing up realizing that a lot of this is never gonna leave me...but whatever. basically im happy that i have someone to talk to all the time and i can tell almost everything--well basically everything to. im realizing how many friends i do have and how they know so much about me and i know lots about them and its so nice to have people in ur life like that. huh, my thinkings/rambling is done. so peace out!